Coffee

When I was a teenager my pals and I would spend most of our days and nights hanging out in coffee shops drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. However once I got pregnant with Mr. B the smell and taste made me sick. The taste is horrible and the smell is bitter and it cant be good for your body. For years I lived with a coffee drinker and had to always have coffee in my house. I had to make sure the coffee maker was set at night for his morning coffee before he left for Tim Hortons and work. So when he left I had no problem with him taking the 3 coffee makers we owned.
Well last week someone came over to watch movies and brought me a coffee. I didn't want to be rude so I drank it and was wired all night. I got no sleep and it was super hard on my body. For some strange reason after the "I don't want to be rude so I'll drink the coffee" night, I went to buy my morning tea and ordered coffee instead. YUCK! Even though it is super bitter I'm starting to enjoy my morning coffee. It gets my butt out of bed and ready to face the day.
So I guess now I am a coffee drinker. It still tastes awful but it has been keeping me somewhat sane. LOL

Giver

What is wrong with me? I'm a giver. I have given myself and my everything to the one I was with for the past 9 years and gotten nothing back. I have given my all to help a certain friend, and nothing changed. I have given, given, and given and nobody takes what I have. The last few months I have tried to give myself to someone I really care about and they don't want what I have to offer and can't give me what they have in return. So I have come to this conclusion...I have to stop giving myself to people. In school my teacher constantly said that we as CSW's have to have no attachment to things in life. So I think that is what my life is comming down to. No attachment! No attachment to people, love, feelings, things and so on. I will live my life and do what I have to do. I need to be strong, powerful, independent, and a good mother. Life is going by so fast and I'm afraid I will miss the beauty of it all.

Life is a Journey Not a Destination

Life is a journey not a destination. I have heard this many times, but never really understood the meaning until this point in my life. I have been going through some tough times and I wondered why bad things happen to good people. But I believe that bad things happen to good people because they are being put to a test. A test of faith. If you stay strong through the tough times then you will be stronger when the times get easier. You will learn how to be you. I have been trying to see in myself what others see. And it's hard when all the things your people say are good, and all you see is the bad. I am going to be reteaching myself all the things my people say I am. Every morning when I wake up I will be repeating the things my people say about me. I am thankful for my people! They have made my journey a little easier. And Thank you A for some of these things. I would never have thought any of them would be me until you said so. ;)

I am who I am and I love me
I am beautiful inside and out
I am happy
I am worth something
I am smart
I am thankful for what I have
I am passionate
I love to love
I love my kids
I love my family
I can do anything I put my mind to
I will have a job
I will work the hours I want
I will make a lot of money
I will buy my house in 5 years
I will have a good day
I will think positive
I will love me

Who Am I?

Thinking positive and positive things will happen has been what I've been saying since July. I always try to be positive but then a negative day or two will come by and everything I've been trying to practice means nothing. I have been told to watch the movie "The Secret"Apparently it is a powerful display of positive thinking. So I am going to buy that today and sink my mind into it. Life has been super crazy lately. I get the feeling that my ex wants to come back. (Which will NEVER happen) I can't and I wont allow the honeymoon stage affect me. I have to start thinking good thoughts about me and the life I am living. I don't need a man to help pay my bills, fix the damn cupboard doors, refinish the basement, and to lean on. I have friends! GREAT friends! And so far my girlfriends have been there for me through all this. And for that I am truly thankful! So now is the time, the moment, the now that I need to live my life and be a mom. I need to figure out what I like and what I'm good at. I am worth something to my kids. And I am worth more than I have ever been given credit for! I need to be me.....

Confusing Times

When do you know it's the end? How do you know it's the end? I wonder that every day. I knew it was the end of our relationship a couple of years ago. I tried to find every opportunity to leave, but I was scared. When you are with someone for almost 9 years, it's hard to imagine yourself alone. I strongly believe this is the end tho. I can't even imagine myself being with him ever again. I sometimes feel hate for him. But he is the father of my 2 children and I know he tries to be a better dad than his dad was for him. So sometimes I feel sorry for him. He never had the loving, caring, and forgiving family I had. Is this his fault? No it's not. But I blamed him for all his faults. So am I a bad person for this? I hope not. Tonight was an emotional night. He came by to gather the rest of his belongings and I had to tell him that I had moved on. It was sad and scary. He blew up on me and told me that I was a bad person for not trying to work this out. He stormed out of the house yelling as he walked down the street calling me a dirty whore. That is one of the reasons why we are not together anymore. He can't stop and think before he says anything. I want him to be happy in his life, but every time he sees me happy he has to try to make me miserable. I might feel hate for him, but I also feel sorry for him. I'm so confused. I am now seeing someone, and wondering if it is too soon. I want to be happy, but should I have that opportunity? He isn't happy so why should I be? The person I am seeing is a wonderful person. It has only been a month or so, but I don't think I have ever felt so comfortable, and so cared for in all my life. Is this weird? I don't want this to be a rebound, because I care for this person very much. And what will I tell my children? I can't tell them that I am seeing someone, they wouldn't understand......I don't want to talk about this anymore.......Good Night

While I'm getting things ready for supper, Little Missy is in the living room playing quietly and we all know that when children are quiet something is going on. Well I walked into the living room and saw red. Red on her hands and particularly on a certain finger. When I asked her to show me where she coloured she showed me this.....

I have many things to be greatful for. If it wasn't for my family I don't think I would have finished school. But I have finished with an 84% average! That's better than I thought I could have ever done. (And better than what he said I would do). I worked hard for this. Now that I'm done school I need a job. I applied at a few places, so we will see. This last month or so I have been feeling happier every day! Even though I don't have a job yet, I have my kids, my health, and something else that makes me very happy. I will blog about that maybe in the near future. But as for now, this is my life and I am so very happy! As I said in the other blog, I started painting. I painted my living room and bedroom. This weekend I painted my kitchen. My sister and friends like the colour but as for me....I think it is a horrid colour! Yellow! Bright ass yellow! I need my sunglasses when I'm cooking. But I think that if my sister and friends like it, I will keep it. Next job is my upstairs hall and the kids bedrooms. One day I will finish. Now that I'm done school and my placement, I want to do so much. I love that I can cook supper for my kids and am able to spend more time reading to them. I love their opinions on the colours I paint, and I love just being with them. This I have missed, but I believe it was worth it.