The World In My Hands

It's been one year since the separation and I feel relieved. My life is good and I am happy. I have started a new chapter in my life. And I feel great. The life I was living was not my life. It was the life I was expected to live through my family's eyes. But I have come to accept the life I am living now. I am blessed to have wonderful children who I love very much. I have a girlfriend who I love very much, and who loves me very much too. And I have a kitty who, when my children and girlfriend arn't around keeps me good company. I feel like I have the world in my hands. I am looking forward to my future. But only a day at a time. Its my time to slow down and enjoy the life I am now living. I look forward to the fun things I will be doing this summer with my children, my job, and my girlfriend. Camping, walking on trails, planning programs, and watching my children enjoy their summer holidays with their cousins. Spending time with the ones I love is more important to me then anything.

You Tell Me

You tell me I am beautiful.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me I am smart.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me my body is sexy.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me I am perfect.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me I'm cute.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me I make u happy.
I look in the mirror and can't see it.
You tell me I am none of the above.
I look in the mirror and see it.

A New Beginning! :)

Ahhh a new year has begun!! What can I say about last year? Hmm...well there were some good, bad, and ugly times that had happened last year. I don't want to get into too much detail, but I have learned a lot about myself last year, and now I am learning how to cope with the loss, and the gains I have encountered. I have lost my 'perfect' family. However it wasn't as perfect as I would have liked it to be. But it was hard to raise my kids alone, and still is. However I am still learning to appreciate my kids for who they are and what they do. It seems to be a long journey, but I'm starting to enjoy it now. :) I have also learned how hard being alone can be. I am currently learning that being alone is okay and by surrounding myself with good friends is a good thing. I feel like I got myself caught up in the wanting to be loved by someone craziness. I started to date someone and so badly wanted the love that I never got from my husband. But it was too soon and had to slow down. I have also learned that life is too short to be upset and sad all the time. I want to live each day as if it were my last day on earth! I want to enjoy my children's company and the crazy messed up things they say and do. I want to enjoy the cold ass weather in the winter and the humid ass weather in the summer. We have one life to live and to enjoy. This year I am going to practice the famous 'non-attachment' theory my teacher taught us in class. I don't want to be attached to things that don't mean anything to me. I want to be able to close my mind to negative thoughts and feelings and have no attachment. I will be starting a new job in February in a group home and that theory MUST come into play! And it's not a bad thing to use it in your every day life as well. If you have no attachment to emotions and tangible things than your mind, body and spirit will be free of stress and disappointment. And thinking positive about life is always a good thing to do too. I tried to think positive about my life right after the separation, however I found that through tough times thinking positive was super hard! But I know that this year is going to be a good year! And I am going to evolve into what I want to be. I have big ideas and big plans for 2010! I am going to make my life what I want it to be and I'm going to enjoy EVERY moment!

Coffee

When I was a teenager my pals and I would spend most of our days and nights hanging out in coffee shops drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. However once I got pregnant with Mr. B the smell and taste made me sick. The taste is horrible and the smell is bitter and it cant be good for your body. For years I lived with a coffee drinker and had to always have coffee in my house. I had to make sure the coffee maker was set at night for his morning coffee before he left for Tim Hortons and work. So when he left I had no problem with him taking the 3 coffee makers we owned.
Well last week someone came over to watch movies and brought me a coffee. I didn't want to be rude so I drank it and was wired all night. I got no sleep and it was super hard on my body. For some strange reason after the "I don't want to be rude so I'll drink the coffee" night, I went to buy my morning tea and ordered coffee instead. YUCK! Even though it is super bitter I'm starting to enjoy my morning coffee. It gets my butt out of bed and ready to face the day.
So I guess now I am a coffee drinker. It still tastes awful but it has been keeping me somewhat sane. LOL

Giver

What is wrong with me? I'm a giver. I have given myself and my everything to the one I was with for the past 9 years and gotten nothing back. I have given my all to help a certain friend, and nothing changed. I have given, given, and given and nobody takes what I have. The last few months I have tried to give myself to someone I really care about and they don't want what I have to offer and can't give me what they have in return. So I have come to this conclusion...I have to stop giving myself to people. In school my teacher constantly said that we as CSW's have to have no attachment to things in life. So I think that is what my life is comming down to. No attachment! No attachment to people, love, feelings, things and so on. I will live my life and do what I have to do. I need to be strong, powerful, independent, and a good mother. Life is going by so fast and I'm afraid I will miss the beauty of it all.

Life is a Journey Not a Destination

Life is a journey not a destination. I have heard this many times, but never really understood the meaning until this point in my life. I have been going through some tough times and I wondered why bad things happen to good people. But I believe that bad things happen to good people because they are being put to a test. A test of faith. If you stay strong through the tough times then you will be stronger when the times get easier. You will learn how to be you. I have been trying to see in myself what others see. And it's hard when all the things your people say are good, and all you see is the bad. I am going to be reteaching myself all the things my people say I am. Every morning when I wake up I will be repeating the things my people say about me. I am thankful for my people! They have made my journey a little easier. And Thank you A for some of these things. I would never have thought any of them would be me until you said so. ;)

I am who I am and I love me
I am beautiful inside and out
I am happy
I am worth something
I am smart
I am thankful for what I have
I am passionate
I love to love
I love my kids
I love my family
I can do anything I put my mind to
I will have a job
I will work the hours I want
I will make a lot of money
I will buy my house in 5 years
I will have a good day
I will think positive
I will love me

Who Am I?

Thinking positive and positive things will happen has been what I've been saying since July. I always try to be positive but then a negative day or two will come by and everything I've been trying to practice means nothing. I have been told to watch the movie "The Secret"Apparently it is a powerful display of positive thinking. So I am going to buy that today and sink my mind into it. Life has been super crazy lately. I get the feeling that my ex wants to come back. (Which will NEVER happen) I can't and I wont allow the honeymoon stage affect me. I have to start thinking good thoughts about me and the life I am living. I don't need a man to help pay my bills, fix the damn cupboard doors, refinish the basement, and to lean on. I have friends! GREAT friends! And so far my girlfriends have been there for me through all this. And for that I am truly thankful! So now is the time, the moment, the now that I need to live my life and be a mom. I need to figure out what I like and what I'm good at. I am worth something to my kids. And I am worth more than I have ever been given credit for! I need to be me.....